You haven’t offered me any questions yet, but I was thinking about today’s question: What went wrong? with regard to how those of us who follow Jesus end up with adult children who aren’t following Jesus. Was it our fault? Is it our children’s responsibility? Having a couple adult children who aren’t currently following the Lord, I’ve asked myself those questions hundreds of times. Nancy, my wife, and I have gone over and over the questions.
The short answer is: It isn’t one or the other. No parents are perfect. We weren’t perfect. As a pastor, sometimes I was at work when I ought to have been home. That could be said of every, working parent. None of us are available 24-7 as our children grow. Nor is it expected, but somehow we expect it of ourselves. As our children grow, the goal or objective is for them to become mature, Christian men and women, productive members of society. If you don’t follow Jesus, you still want your children to be mature men and women and productive members of society. When they become none of those things, it’s easy to blame ourselves. The truth is we often blame ourselves more than appropriate. Yes, some parents are terrible. They have either been absent or abusive, but most parents love their children and do the best we can to “bring them up in the fear and admonition of the Lord,” or to bring them up to be good people. Our responsibility ends, when it comes to parenting them sometime in their teenage years.
Dr. Robert Lewis put it well, when he said our role as parents changes as our children mature. When they’re small, we’re their coach. We tell them what to do and how to do it. When they’re in their early teens we become their greatest cheerleader. We celebrate their victories, and commiserate with their defeats. In their mid to late teen years we become counselors. That means we’re there to show them the path, to help them get back on it when they stray and advise them on what is best. As they move into early adulthood, we become consultants. Consultants differ from counselors in who initiates the conversation. As our children’s counselors, we initiate. As consultants, we wait for them to ask. Finally, in an ideal world, we become colleagues with our children.
As colleagues, we are equals. That doesn’t mean we don’t consult. I have a part-time job working as a consultant for a number of adults. It doesn’t mean we don’t counsel. Many of us submit ourselves to counseling to work through problems and to grow in our lives. But as colleagues, we accept one another for who we are. I will never stop praying for our children to return to serving Jesus, until they do. Just as I always prayed for them to love and serve Jesus when they were growing. At the same time, I have learned, even though I am a preacher by vocation, preaching is not an effective method of living as a colleague with my children. It doesn’t help them hear what I’m saying, nor does it move them to change. I’m here for them. I love them more than I love life itself.
Which is why I sometimes blame myself, why Nancy and I sometimes blame ourselves, why you might be reading this and blaming yourself. If you were a bad parent, apologize and ask for forgiveness. If you were a good, but not perfect parent, which is the rest of us, apologize for any areas where you messed up and ask forgiveness. If your child or children are open to it keep building your relationship with them. Don’t condone their lifestyle if it’s contrary to yours, but love them without condition. That’s trickier to live out than the last sentence makes it sound! Having an ongoing relationship with your children is a blessing. When they are living in the same direction as you, the blessing is multiplied.
I would live to hear your comments about your relationship with your adult children. Please post them in the comments section or e-mail me at chris@chrismarshallresources.com. God’s blessings on your life!
If you have a question, write it in the comments or e-mail me. Thanks!