Month: January 2020

One of you read yesterday’s post about children who don’t follow the values we shared with them, when they become adults, and asked a great follow up question, “How can children do their best to honor parents and families who don’t follow the Lord? She followed up that question by adding, “In fact, in many cases when a parent or sibling live a lifestyle that is very different than a Christ-follower, this divide can make many situations difficult when parental authority is in place, but Spirit-led authority is correct.”

This question is not theoretical for me. My dad was not a Jesus-follower for most of his life. My oldest brother never trusted Jesus as Savior and Lord, as far as I know, and I invested time intentionally to challenge him to do so, when he was dying of cancer. The short answer to this question is: The best way to honor our parents and siblings when they are living far from God is to live close to Him ourselves. When our decisions, based on following the Holy Spirit conflict with the mentality of our parents and siblings, we explain our reasons calmly and patiently. If they ask questions we respond. If they tell us we’re crazy, we tell them we understand how they would think that if what we believe isn’t true. The reality is we believe it’s true. Many years ago, I read a powerful quote: It doesn’t matter what you believe. It matters what’s true. Of course, in the area of faith, we believe facts which are true, but we can’t “prove” them to be true. Jesus’ resurrection, for example, is extensively documented in ancient historical works outside the Bible, and most extensively in the Bible. Even so, many don’t believe Jesus rose from the dead. When we’re talking with non-believing family members or anyone, we must hold tightly to our beliefs while presenting them gently.

In my family experience, over many decades, I sought to live faithfully for Jesus. My dad and brother watched as I married Nancy in a Christian wedding service. We put Jesus first in our marriage. I pursued a call to ministry, and went to seminary for three years. After that, Nancy and I have served in churches for more than thirty-five years. My dad and brother watched our lives. When my dad suffered a series of heart attacks, I always visited and prayed with him. I took care of repairs around the house. I invested time with him. It was during his recovery from his sixth heart attack that he trusted Jesus as Savior and Lord. He was 73 years old. He died two years later.

My brother and I had many conversations about the Lord over the years, and he was never interested. During the last year of his life, I travelled across the country to Oregon three times to visit with him. During each of those week-long trips, on which two of them I was accompanied by my youngest brother, we ministered to our oldest brother’s needs. We trimmed his bushes, and cared for his flowers. We took care of him physically, and we talked about Jesus. He wasn’t interested, but he appreciated our concern for him.

That’s the key: whether our parents or siblings believe what we believe, or even think we’re crazy, as long as they know we have their best interest at heart, and approach them with love if they are unwilling to receive that, then we have done all we can do.

You may be living in a situation like the ones I mentioned, or you may be in a situation where your parents or siblings are antagonistic toward you. Sometimes you can’t be around them. If you are minor, then obviously, you will need to stay and be as honoring and respectful as possible as you can, but your allegiance to God comes first. Jesus told us He would divide families, not because that was His intent, but because when one member believes in Him and another doesn’t that brings division. Division means “two visions.” That’s what we have in a family where one member follows Jesus and another doesn’t. The degree of the division will determine the action you must take. Thankfully, in my family, the division never meant I was commanded not to follow Jesus by my Dad, because I would have had to disobey that command. Wherever you are in your family situation, pray for your family members, live in love toward them, speak the truth to them gently, and then live with the outcome. You can’t do more than that!

You haven’t offered me any questions yet, but I was thinking about today’s question: What went wrong? with regard to how those of us who follow Jesus end up with adult children who aren’t following Jesus. Was it our fault? Is it our children’s responsibility? Having a couple adult children who aren’t currently following the Lord, I’ve asked myself those questions hundreds of times. Nancy, my wife, and I have gone over and over the questions.

The short answer is: It isn’t one or the other. No parents are perfect. We weren’t perfect. As a pastor, sometimes I was at work when I ought to have been home. That could be said of every, working parent. None of us are available 24-7 as our children grow. Nor is it expected, but somehow we expect it of ourselves. As our children grow, the goal or objective is for them to become mature, Christian men and women, productive members of society. If you don’t follow Jesus, you still want your children to be mature men and women and productive members of society. When they become none of those things, it’s easy to blame ourselves. The truth is we often blame ourselves more than appropriate. Yes, some parents are terrible. They have either been absent or abusive, but most parents love their children and do the best we can to “bring them up in the fear and admonition of the Lord,” or to bring them up to be good people. Our responsibility ends, when it comes to parenting them sometime in their teenage years.

Dr. Robert Lewis put it well, when he said our role as parents changes as our children mature. When they’re small, we’re their coach. We tell them what to do and how to do it. When they’re in their early teens we become their greatest cheerleader. We celebrate their victories, and commiserate with their defeats. In their mid to late teen years we become counselors. That means we’re there to show them the path, to help them get back on it when they stray and advise them on what is best. As they move into early adulthood, we become consultants. Consultants differ from counselors in who initiates the conversation. As our children’s counselors, we initiate. As consultants, we wait for them to ask. Finally, in an ideal world, we become colleagues with our children.

As colleagues, we are equals. That doesn’t mean we don’t consult. I have a part-time job working as a consultant for a number of adults. It doesn’t mean we don’t counsel. Many of us submit ourselves to counseling to work through problems and to grow in our lives. But as colleagues, we accept one another for who we are. I will never stop praying for our children to return to serving Jesus, until they do. Just as I always prayed for them to love and serve Jesus when they were growing. At the same time, I have learned, even though I am a preacher by vocation, preaching is not an effective method of living as a colleague with my children. It doesn’t help them hear what I’m saying, nor does it move them to change. I’m here for them. I love them more than I love life itself.

Which is why I sometimes blame myself, why Nancy and I sometimes blame ourselves, why you might be reading this and blaming yourself. If you were a bad parent, apologize and ask for forgiveness. If you were a good, but not perfect parent, which is the rest of us, apologize for any areas where you messed up and ask forgiveness. If your child or children are open to it keep building your relationship with them. Don’t condone their lifestyle if it’s contrary to yours, but love them without condition. That’s trickier to live out than the last sentence makes it sound! Having an ongoing relationship with your children is a blessing. When they are living in the same direction as you, the blessing is multiplied.

I would live to hear your comments about your relationship with your adult children. Please post them in the comments section or e-mail me at chris@chrismarshallresources.com. God’s blessings on your life!

If you have a question, write it in the comments or e-mail me. Thanks!

Welcome! Thank you for joining me! I’m not sure whether this idea will work, but having visited WORD.FM 101.5 in Pittsburgh, PA for many years to do a spot titled “Ask the Pastor,” which folks have enjoyed, I thought you might have some questions you wanted to ask a pastor. All you have to do is write your question in the comments, I’ll start accumulating them and commenting on them. This could be something you enjoy, so it will take off, or it could be just another one of those ideas I’ve had over the years, that becomes just another one of those ideas! In any case, YOU are the star of this blog, because if you don’t send me any questions, it won’t be around for long.

If you’re worried I said you will be the “star” of this blog, don’t be. You can certainly ask your questions anonymously. If you post your name with your question, then I’ll post your name when I respond to it. If several of you ask me the same question, then I will list all your names, unless you want to be anonymous.

I’m looking forward to receiving your questions, and starting to respond. My goal is to help you grow in your life! Whether that means responding to biblical questions, relationship questions, or really anything that matters to you, feel free to post your question. I’m going to let you know up front: I come to life from the perspective of a person who loves and serves Jesus. I believe He is the Son of God, and that His teachings are truth. My goal is not to argue with you, but I’m glad to provide responses. If I don’t know the answer to your question, and can’t find it after searching, I WILL NOT make stuff up. I have no trouble saying, “I don’t know,” because sometimes that’s the best I’ll have to offer.

I’m looking forward to hearing from you!

Chris Marshall